In a black sea reflecting deep, romantic hues of blue, purple and maroon: she breaks the surface, her face straining in tune with her arms as the monumental task comes to a close. Water rushes down her vision and colours weave through her long, stress riddled strands of hair as she looks back down at the surface of the water to investigate the reflection depicting the distance above; The unending sky with no surface yet so many stars from which to craft constellations. It is here, the sea hag interrupts her agony of thought. Her arrival wasn’t prayed for, only eagerly awaited: thus creating the predicament of unpreparedness. A short encounter that will forever hold more space and time in her memories than any prayer, being an instigator for hopes and wishes yet to come.
I couldn’t swallow my shame. My pride. Whatever it was that keeps me from embracing those I’m grateful for. I couldn’t embrace her warmth because of my own cold shoulder. All I wanted was this, but my own shame bats it away like the fly it sees me as. So she continues on to the next of us. They embrace. The other girl hugs the sea hag proclaiming “I did it sea hag!” so loudly as if she just climbed all the way from the ocean floor to the sky’s surface They hug and I choke on my own pride, too afraid to waste the sea hag’s time that I ended up making all the time till now meaningless.
After the weeks of exhaustive studying I did my final english exam. I didn’t do as well as I hoped but I didn’t do the worst. When my english teacher spoke to me after I came out of the gym it was held in I wanted to talk to her for hours. But I just rushed myself like always: “She’s too busy for this.” She then went over to another student and they hugged. It was then I finally began to regret my own shame and pride that crippled me so. I found another reason to hate myself out of complacency every day. That girl, turns out, was the english DUX and I am still jealous… And angry (at myself). I always saw her studying just like me, and I could just tell it was for english. I wish I had have tried to befriend her… To say hi at least. I hate myself for not admitting how selfish and competitive I am. I wish I could have realised how much I love being the center of attention sooner. I could have wasted so much less time. I found so many photos of her the night ATAR results released and I cried about how disappointed I am in myself for never trying harder. She always has the biggest smile in group photos.
I ended up caring so little for the people that mean so much to me. I never even knew hugs were an option man. My english teacher said over text I did the second best in english in the school - I ended up eventually sending her a sort of "thankyou" text in response to the night I spent crying, realising that I'd just have to settle for hugging the next person who just so happened to change the trajectory of my whole life. Typing this, I'm realising that that really doesn't happen so much when your'e no longer a high school student LOL. Not saying all uni students living away from home are self sufficient people with their lives together but... I may just never get another chance like that huh?