Today is the morning of my year 2 sem 1 psychology exams. For me, this is a very big deal. Hoping to get into the most competitive post-grad in the country, I know that if I let myself down now it will be a huge fuck up for the Ivy that exists every day going forward. It's the equivalent to fucking up every day for the rest of my life - and I am alright with that. Personally I don't think that actually fucking up is what matters half as much as what I do with that. It will be fine to fuck up every day, so long as I handle it properly. Regardless, this cognition may be the root of a lot of the emotions I feel.
The thing is that while I feel a lot of varying emotions, none of them are particularly salient. There isn't one specific way I feel, but there are a lot of ways I would like to feel. I wish I could be more angry at the thousands of pretentious nepo babies I'm competing with, or at this bullshit system that has created an environment of gentrified psychology. I wish I could say this is the penultimate day of my destiny or something, but I know that no matter the outcome, psychology will always be how I approach the world and ultimately the tool I want to use to change it. I will always be able to teach myself, and I will always believe that no good knowledge can be created in secrecy or 'exclusivity' - anything good will permeate and be built on a foundation of accessibility. If anything is truly 'allat' then how is it so narrow and inaccessible?
This so far is abstract and not tangible at all. I suppose that’s how I feel. While I love psychology and everything I'm learning, maybe all my studying has separated the course content from my love after a certain point. I am indeed writing this now to make sure I go into the exam understanding the weight of what's going to happen today. This semester, I have continued to try to help my whole cohort, despite how much I decry that I 'hate all psychology students' and hate MUPA. I do hate MUPA. So, so much. TLDR: Melbourne University Psychology Association: they are the main source of my gentrification anxiety over psychology. If you can afford to go to this University and be in the upper social class, I don't see why you should be the primary beneficiary of the fruits of psychology's labour. The one field of science that is trying to attend to the needs of the poor? Homeless? Mentally ill? Oppressed? Yeah that's alright, we can focus on 'productivity' and LinkedIn culture.
This is a grave source of my passion. I must do well today and get 90% on my exam in order to spiritually and metaphorically fucking kill all the rich kid nepobabies. But Ivy, why do you give out your free anki decks and actively participate in Peerwise so much if you want them all to suffer?
1. Superiority complex
2. I like being glazed
3. That's not the point
I want equitable, free dissemination of information and education. Not for them to suffer. I didn't get to Peerwise maxx as hard this semester but I had a few questions altogether and the most followers - so I hope I helped at least one person. And people seemed grateful for my flashcards. Plus I was at work and picked up some volunteering so I didn't have as much time. I'm glad. I look forward to our continued culture as a cohort that revolves around peer review and self-expression (I'm so proud of everyone). The opportunity to contribute to such a community is more important than being #1 on the reputation leaderboard, and I think the following semesters studying psychology will have ample silver linings like this one. Aside from this, I hope to start a club next semester. The only road bump is getting permission to have a charity Bakesale stall on campus, but I'm sure if I throw enough money at someone I'll be allowed to.
With all of my ambitions and gratitude, I move closer to my exams with a primary emotion of confusion. I would expect it to be more out there - but instead I know that there is only one outcome of today. I just pick the right answer. There are only 4. I have been studying nearly every day for a month now. Surely, I just pick the right answer.